Futureproof?

I had my hand read the other night. I said "be brutal". And boy, was she ruthless.

Apparently, I'm going to have some sort of major accident or health issue around my 50's which won't kill me (not quite) but will require lots of rehabilitation. You can bet I'm looking forward to that!

The other major thing to come through was that in my life I have 4 major loves. Now, doing some maths, I would probably say that I've had only one of those (it might be argued that I've already filled the 4 quota but I don't think so, although it is hard to decide who is a major love and who isn't), so, hurrah for me: 3 more to go!!!! :D

But that scares me slightly. 3 more big loves means at least 2 more big break-ups, suffering, tears, heartache, fuck-ups. But it also means 3 times the love, the fun and the joy. Or at least, I hope.

See, even in the worst times I still have that damned hope floating inside of me. Why can't I just be pessimistic for once, for my own good?

Yours in mystical puzzled-ness,

S

The gap (not the clothing store!)

There is this gap, unbridgeable, un-fillable, unreachable, uncrossable. It's between men and women. It's between what women desire and what exists. It's between nature and evolution.

I've challenged the gap plenty, fought it, skirmished with it, taunted it, ignored it, even pretended it really wasn't there. But no matter what I do it's still there, I can't kill it. So I've decide to parlay. Please give me a truce. Please teach me how to live with it, how to deal with it, how to be satisfied with what I get. Cause right now I really can't do that, and I feel maimed, disabled, incapacitated. I'm jus tired of swimming against the tide.

You might ask what's prompted all this. Well, I don't want to go into too much detail. But the reason is that I'm tired of meeting men, of them drawing me in, enticing me, tantalising me with views of what life could be like with them, of telling me they miss me and that they want to see me, only for them to do a Jekyll & Hyde on me and disappear, or evade, when I'm back in town. L. has vanished from my spectrum. He's texting me, as if I'm some random friend out and about that he may run into at some point. But he's being evasive, slithery, like an eel caught in a pond. I'm not out to "catch" anyone. All I wanted was some time with someone I found to be funny, nice, engaging. I wasn't asking for any promises, or commitments, nothing. Just his time , on occasion. And after two months of long distance crap fuelled mostly by him, I return and whoosh, he's gone. Now you see him, now you don't.

I've struggled, I've called him to just try and see him and have some closure. I can't even do that. And for now I've decided not to contact him. I might relent. I'm a Virgo, I need closure, I need to say things face to face.

Men of the world: please have the balls to tell us stuff, anything, whatever it is. But more importantly, have the fucking balls to tell yourselves stuff, acknowledge whatever it is that you do or feel, so that communication with others of the species might go a little easier.

That is all.

Always Sassy.

Distance

All my life, I never wanted long-distance relationships. I ran, and ran, and ran away from them. I was, and am, terrified of them.

But now in the last year I've had two of them (actually one is ongoing).

In the first one we had less than a couple of months together before we had to part - and it wasn't just him moving a few hours' drive away... he was going very nearly to the other side of the world. Only for a few months mind, but still... Anyway, the distance killed me. I can't function, I can't deal with it. It might have something to do with me being impatient, always wanting what I can't physically have. Or not. I'm not sure yet.

Anyway the biggest reason for not wanting a long-distance relationship is that I know for a fact that they don't work, definitely not in the long term. And just to prove my point, as soon as that first guy, P., returned, things were over between us. His volition, and painful. Especially thinking about all the other things I could have been doing in those months, instead of waiting to see if he came online, or waiting for his text messages, or calling him via Skype only to hear him recounting wonderful tales about his experience and never being asked how I was etc etc.

You see, I've always been the one to go away, never to stay. I have a bit of the wanderlust in me and I've never figured myself the stay-at-home type. I'm more the I'll go along with you type. But he didn't agree with me on that one.

So now, with L., yes, L. I've mentioned him before. He's back in my country, I'm back in London. And we've had barely a few days to get to know each other.
I think this is particularly harsh because in the earliest stages of a relationship that's when you can't spend enough time together, when you really want to get to know each other, spending sleepless nights having great "get-to-know-you" sex and talking until you fall asleep at dawn. But then again this deep, sustained interest only serves in consuming the initial infatuation, so maybe it's a good thing that we can't see each other?
We've been online quite a lot. Finally, hopefully, tomorrow we're going to get to talk over the phone. There are news to share, plans to make, things to not talk about......
And I'm going slowly out of my mind. Again I find it hard to concentrate, and everything makes me think of him. Not to mention the rampant sexual desire, the frustration at not having him share my bed night after night. I could scream.

I've made a promise to myself this time, that I'm not going to let my mind-fucks (or maybe that should read "my fucking mind"??) affect me and make me buzz like a caged fly. I've given in a little but I'm reining myself in hard, harshly. Yes, I want to see him. Yes, I want to talk to him. Yes, I want to be with him. But I can't read the rest of our relationship into this gap, this unabridgeable distance stretching between us now. I just can't.

I think I'm afraid to let myself go, like everyone else. But then I think if I don't, I might never know what it is to really love someone. And I can't live without having felt that at least once. The question is: is he the right person to let myself go with? Answers on a postcard please.

Anyway, distance. It sucks.
Some people love it, say it keeps their relationship alive.
Me, I hate the fucker, but that's been a problem in other areas of my life and it will never be solved, unless we invent a time machine or a plane that travels at the speed of light.

S

PS: Underneath it all is the constant mantra: I have to let people like me and love me for who I am and not anticipate the ways they'd want me to change. I cannot constantly compare myself to others, other friends, previous lovers. I know I will keep doing it, I just need to do a lot less of it.

Who was I kidding? Why did I think I was ready and fit to relate to another human being on a deep level? I'm ready for shit. Really. Maybe I'm just meant to live the rest of my life out as a hermit, living in isolation in Iceland or something. Away from people, from emotions, from drama, from feelings, from ups but also from downs. Who was I kidding.....?

There I was, sitting on my sofa, crying. And at my computer, on the Internet, crying. Why the fuck?

Is this all a giant, massive mistake? Is my life slowly circling the drain of depression, despair and meaninglessness?

I can't be alone. But I can't not be alone. Fuck. How am I going to get through this one?



Anyway, yes, crying, thinking, despairing even. Then I realised: I'm just about to get my period. Ah. Mystery solved. :)

PS: Sorry if anyone is offended by this but I have learned to listen to my body and its changes...

Post-orgasmic etiquette

Sorry, something that just occurred to me, a message to all heterosexual men:

Never, ever under any circumstances, right after a sex session (and I mean RIGHT after, all sweaty and catching your breath...), mock your partner's moans and sounds during orgasm; that is, if you EVER plan on sleeping with her again. If you fancy a kick in the gonads, then go right ahead. You know who you are, you impotent wanker!!

And while we're at it, I hope I NEVER meet another man who "doesn't like" going down on a woman. You are unnatural and selfish. I hope you never have sex again!

Yours as always,
Sassy

All in good time

Take a night at a party on a beautiful terrace, you don't know most people there, you've brought a couple of female friends along who are hoping to meet some interesting people (i.e.men); you've invited the guy you're sorta dating, he comes over, doesn't really fit in with the party (well, really, neither do you but, hell, you get along with anyone) but really gets on with your friends, who give you the thumbs up.

Take an after-party night when plastic cup after plastic cup of red wine and sangria you take a romantic walk in one of the oldest districts of the city. You stop for a bite to eat, then sit with the bloke by a beautiful fountain and exchange a passionate and longed-for kiss. He asks what you want to do next. You whisper back that maybe the both of you should get back to his place.

Take a night in the flat of this guy you're sort of dating. You both really fancy each other, really want each other. But he can't do it. He just can't.

Take a morning when he finally can.

Take a day that you spend together doing just normal stuff, listening to music, doing some food shopping, cooking and eating, walking the dog.

Take an evening when, you wearing one of his borrowed T-shirts, he takes you to a concert that you wanted to see. It's magical, great music, you have a couple of beers. Then he tells you that he's just got a text message from her, she wants to talk - and inside you wonder: does she want to get back together? Does he? He opens up a little, things become clearer. And it hurts a little bit, but nowhere near as much as it would have done to your past self.

And this is uplifting. You've made no plans, have no expectations. You're spending time with someone you find pleasurable, interesting, intriguing. No mind-fucks, don't need them.

Take all of this and you'll find that you've matured, changed beyond what you ever thought possible. And in the midst of this whole tangled mess you can still feel the whole of yourself, and know with a certainty that borders on the insane that you'll be fine, that you are what's important and that whatever happens time keeps moving forward, things keep happening. That it doesn't matter what he'll do, how long it will take him to get over her (cause he will) and whether he'll want you when he does. It doesn't matter. There is a whole world out there, of good and bad, of happy and sad, and you need a little of both. And you'll have it. All in good time.

Sentimentally yours,

Sassy

Weak at the knees

After some searching, some dead ends, I've managed to run into someone special. I'll call him L.

I don't know how special yet, I've yet to grade him. :).
Suffice to say that as we kissed in his car just a few minutes ago my knees would have given under me, had I not already been sitting down. And he gives me butterflies... isn't that great? Isn't that what we're always looking for, always chasing? I think so, our blessing and our curse..........

Also, I can say the whole movie just went by me, as I spent the 90 minutes just happy to be sitting next to him, feeling his energy. And those who know me well will know what a feat it is to pull my attention away from a screen!

There are potentially millions of questions, but I've decided that I won't approach any of them. I won't entertain them. For the first time in my life I'm going to follow what I've been preaching: we'll see where it goes. Without dramas, without anxiety and expectations, without desires and wishes apart from being happy and content in the moment, that moment you're living right now. Nothing else should come into it, as nothing else really matters.

Bye peeps, will let you know as and when things develop...

Lots of love,

S.

Lack of respect in the genes?

I've been talking with a female friend of mine, and we've hit upon a problem that we feel most females come across in their dating/sex lives: the unreliability of men.



Let me explain:



You meet someone (whether it's a friend of a friend, or just some random guy off the street, or someone online), they make the effort, they woo you, they pay you compliments, they compare thee to a summer's day yadda yadda yadda. To begin with you're a little reluctant (haven't we all been taught to play a little hard to get?), you want to get the feel of the person: is he a shoe-adoring weirdo? is he a still-live-at-home-with-mummy-dearest kind of man? is he allright?... So you start to know the guy and he's off: you're fantastic, wonderful, he's never met anyone like you etc etc etc, you know the drill. Then you start to like him, to let yourself go, to feel comfortable in his company, you start imagining how it would be to have a serious relationship with him or, as I say, you make a film in your own head (I always thought it was just me doing that, but I've discovered nearly everyone does it!).

And then BAM! He disappears.

Doesn't show up, doesn't return calls/SMS/e-mails, doesn't answer the phone.
When he does, he's evasive, un-catchable like fog.

Finally, frustrated, baffled, confused, you ask him outright: are you a wanker? a jerk? an idiot? a psycho? or whatever-the-fuck-you-are? Did I do something wrong? You put your point to him in a rational, thought out manner. And he can't come up with a real answer. All the excuses in the world will tumble out of his mouth or his fingers, but none that will really satisfy you. Because you knew, in that very first instant when he stopped calling/returning calls/showing up etc, when he first let you down, that whatever excuse he had would never ever fully explain why he couldn't just tell you: I don't want to see you anymore.

Guys are so scared of telling a woman those few words, I find it to be a shocking lack of respect. You don't like me, I annoy you, I irk you, I revolt you, disgust you or just simply bore you? Then just fucking tell me. What's the worst that could happen: blanching your pet rabbit for dinner? We're not in a movie!!

So guys, here's the thing: just be straight with us. For good or bad it's the best tactic you could ever employ. Trust me on this one.

S

Virtual Sex

I don't think I can bring a unique perspective to this subject, but there are a few things that confound me.

For example for me chat sex, or any other type of virtual sex, can be fun, but with people you don't really know, have really no intention of meeting and, and this is the crucial bit, only once with each guy.

I mean I find it difficult to keep getting excited by the same thing if it's just virtual (unlike in real life where I can have similar kinds of sex without EVER getting bored), but men, they keep coming back for more!

There's this one guy in particular, he'd never had chat sex. We got talking about it and he got all intrigued, hot & bothered. So eventually, a couple of days later, we managed to do it, and I must say it was quite nice (apart from the fact that he insisted we climax on the phone as that was better for him). But after that he's been asking ALL the time!!! He's nice enough that when I say I don't feel like it he doesn't pester me, but we've now done it something like 5 times. Too many methinks... And now he wants to meet... AGH!!!

I think I'll have to cut him loose......

I'd be interested to hear any other stories out there of people indulging in virtual sex, and what your experiences and thoughts on it are.

Keep living.....

Sassy xx

The Brave New World of Online Dating

I have thrown myself deep into uncharted waters (for me...): I have joined the large number of people indulging in Online Dating...

The reason for doing it is that I, like many other people around and over my age, am finding it increasingly difficult to meet new men through mutual acquaintances. Friends don't have so much time for each other now so when we go out is to have a good, long, one-on-one chat, no strangers allowed.

So this opens up a whole range of things... you can glance over someone's profile and, in a heartbeat, decide whether to even chat with them or not. Those little (or big) foibles become the judging meters of these encounters: he smokes, he's bald, he's got a child etc etc... And they become reasons for staying away from somebody's advances, or for accepting them.

And boy are there lots of advances! In less than a month, my profile has been viewed over 1,700 times, over 100 men have expressed crushes on me, I have chatted into the wee hours... It's become a question of skimming rather than getting to meet someone.

I will write another post with the types of men that do online dating, the weird things they approach you with, and also how to detect them...

For now I will talk about the outcome of some of the dates (real dates) I've had with people met online.

Online Date No. 1 = he was very funny online, met some of my major criteria. We chatted, we ended up having chat sex (my first time :P ). Then one night we decided to meet on the spur of the moment: he ditched his friends, I ditched mine. We went for dinner, had a very pleasant time. Neither of us was the other's type though, but I think that we both would have had sex with the other, there just seemed to be some barrier between us. Could it be his self-professed love of completely shaven snatches? Which is something I would not do even for the love of my life (the pain! oh the pain!!!)?? After that dinner - which he paid for by the way (but that's a whole other post!!) - we've been chatting occasionally, playing with sexual banter, but nothing more. I think as a first time experience it went quite well, unlike the next two...

Online Date No. 2 = he didn't have a photo, but we chatted quickly, he seemed nice, asked if he could call me. We spoke on the phone and I liked his voice, he didn't seem to be a crazy man, so we decided to meet for a drink that evening - we both agreed that online dating is just a springboard for meeting up so there's no point in having lengthy chats... So we meet, and oh boy have I learned to see a photo first!!! He really was NOT my type at all, and I don't mean just physically, but in general. I knew this from the first few minutes but being who I am, I decided to play along nicely. We chatted, had a drink - he even asked me if I liked children!! - he made some horribly homophobic comments... Anywhoo, I walked him to his train and he said he'd like to see me again. I tried to be as tactful as possible and told him I saw him just as a friend. Nevertheless after this he bombarded me with calls and SMS asking me to go out. I then had to be a bit rough with him to get him to stop calling me.

Online Date No. 3 = not so much a date as a "see you in the street when I'm passing through" kinda thing, to see if we liked each other. I was out there faster than you could say: "login name". Ugh, horrible horrible man. I have now blocked him...

Online Date No. 4 = this is the most peculiar one. He contacted me, he met all my criteria - not easy I might add - we chatted nicely, he invited me out for dinner. We decided the place, then he said let's do it asap. We exchanged numbers and then... NOTHING! I was baffled by this, as I am by it when it happens in real life: being pursued by a man who then suddenly shows no interest whatsoever in you. I always thought is was a tactic... We'll see. Anyway after about two weeks he messages me again apologising that he hadn't been in touch he'd been really busy...
Then comes the fun bit. He says he's only interested in relationships of unbridled sex, and that he didn't think I was the type so that was it. On one hand that caught me off guard, on the other I've learnt to play along a bit. So I responded saying: how did he know I wasn't the type? And off we went chatting into detail about what we'd do, what we like etc... So we agreed to meet. I thought: why not? I'm after sex and fun, he seems like an interesting guy...
So we met a few days ago. We went for a non committal pre-dinner drink - this always works so that if you don't like each other you can go your separate ways quite quickly and if you do then you've got the whole evening to do whatever you want.
Anyway, I had the feeling we liked each other. He suggested we go and see his flat nearby which is being renovated, that he'd told me about. We did and we looked. It's still a building site but nice. He has a lovely terrace that overlooks Rome. As the sun went down we started kissing, then we went back inside and, over a roll of clean flooring protective matting, we had GREAT sex. And when I say great, I really, really mean it. And of course as usual it was safe sex.
We then continued our evening , went for a meal, then went to see my brother who was celebrating his birthday with a few friends. All very nice. And we're probably going to see each other again in the next few days, if not today...

I know he's not "boyfriend" material simply because I don't get that vibe off him, but I'm having fun with him and this is what I really need right now so, well done Online Dating!! Hurrah!

The great thing is that I continue to chat with other interesting men who I hope to meet after they return from their August holidays. Some I find VERY appealing so it'll be fun to see what happens there.

I'll keep you posted on my adventures! :P

xxx

Why is it that I get even one-night stands wrong?

There I was, in the UK for one week only, working as a volunteer at a "media industry" do, still smarting from how my previous relationship had ended. I had gone with the full intention of having fun, meeting as many people as I possibly could, and having some good sex.

Now, the sex point is, for me, a bit of a change. Not that I HAVEN'T had sex (far from it), but setting out to have one-night stands is not something I've done before, at least not consciously. I've always found it quite difficult to have sex unless I REALLY like the person but I guess that growing up, going through the experiences I have, is changing me and now I find it easier, there is nothing inside my head telling me not to, nothing stopping me.

So here is what happened (apart from spending a fab week working as a volunteer, meeting lots of fun and wonderful people, which is not really the topic of this blog):

As it would happen throughout the week I was sitting in the pub with some people I had only just met, talking life, work etc, all in good fun. There was a guy sitting in front of me who I found quite attractive and interesting but, as we talked about how he is juggling his career with being married and having a young child, I stopped considering him under "possible shag material" light.

Later I went back to my (female) friend's hotel for some very late night drinks. We got them to reopen the bar and started drinking with some random Spanish people (really fun but a bit weird...). Right next to us was that guy who was previously sitting in front of me, we'll call him J, with another, older, woman, chatting. We all ended up talking together, me lamenting the fact that there was someone at the do I really fancied but I had been told he might be gay, and I was getting frustrated 'cause I couldn't work out what he wanted and whether I had a shot. J was being all complimentary about my looks etc (which I don't easily take well), again as I knew he was married I didn't think twice about him. We all ended up talking relationships, especially long term ones. To cut a long story short, J makes it very clear that he has an open relationship with his wife as he travels a lot for work and he's a very sexual man. My question, as always in these cases, was: "does she know that you have an open relationship?". Apparently it is a tacit agreement, and he believes she does the same too.

We talked some more. See, my problem with people who have open relationships (and mostly it's the man who wants this, but not always) is this: how do you know that one of these "one night stands" isn't going to turn into something more, that you might really like to spend more time with that person? Or even, how do you know that this isn't going to come back and bite you in the ass one day??? For myself, I don't have a concrete answer and that is why I've never done this.

J insisted he'd done it loads of times and it didn't affect his relationship. He know his wife is the one and wants to be with her and their young child, but he doesn't think sleeping around with other women when he's travelling is bad.

It was then about 3am, and as I needed to get up early-ish the next morning I said I was going to bed (my hotel was about 5 mins walk). J offered to walk me. I knew EXACTLY what that meant (I'm not that blind or stupid, at least not yet!) so I gave him the option of pulling out a couple of times, then I thought I'd have fun with the situation. He walked me to my hotel, we were going quite slowly, both knowing what was coming.
At the gate, he said something to the effect that "he could have tried it on with me" or something, anyway with the effect of ending up in bed. In a split second I decided that I would see this through, go where it would take me (I have started making experiments recently....) and play with him a little longer before "giving in". I said "Well, you didn't even ask me!". At that he was stopped in his tracks, came back... we talked for a bit about the possibility of this one night stand. We kissed, to see whether there was a spark (I still wasn't sure at that point).

Reader, I ended up going back with him.

It was all on the basis that it could stop anytime, that I had control of everything, which is how I like it even though I also like the man to take charge, to follow his lead.

The problems was, we didn't have a condom, and we couldn't find one.

I don't know about other women, but it has happened to me several times, that I was in the situation of being with someone, wanting to have sex and not having a condom. When they say: "we can just cuddle naked all night", they don't really mean it. At some point during the night, after the cuddling, sometimes after you've fallen asleep, they will start caressing you insistently, whispering sweet nothings in your ear, and trying to convince you to have sex without a rubber 'cause "they're good guys, they don't have sex with strangers, they can come outside, etc etc..." which is never relevant and, frankly, doesn't help.

In this case I must say he was a gentleman, there was no way that either one of us would have sex without the condom, so we did "cuddle" all night, which was quite nice although very frustrating. I had wanted this to "wash the memory of someone right out of me"...

I did tell J that I thought most of what he had said re:open relationships was bullshit and lies, and he wasn't that straight with me about it, but I sussed him out.

So we agreed that we'd meet up the next night, armed with condoms, to do the deed. We saw each other a few times in the day, pretending nothing had happened. I love this silly secret stuff!!!

Finally, and I will try to cut this short, it's a bit long!, we ended up by a lake with other people (it was the last night), all drinking, chatting in the darkness, which was very nice. At that point he seemed a little strange then he said: "when are you in the UK? We can exchange numbers and I could see you when I'm in London." I was a bit taken aback by this so didn't give him a straight answer. Anyway, we still hadn't found a condom, then I found one, I turn around and he was GONE!!! I was quite speechless. But, as we had agreed to meet back at his room, I though I'd go there. So I did.

And this is where EVERYTHING WENT WRONG. I will just sum it up:

The thing was on all day until we got to the lake where he talked with another guy (quite handsome, a little older) about fatherhood and resisting temptation. So he realised that having sex with me would not be a great idea (and here we could launch into a discussion as to why masturbation and oral sex does not equal sex for some men..., but we won't, not this time), as he's not sure of what he wants (the previous night it was all rock-solid convictions). He's confused. And here's the thing that sort of shocked me: he said "I've never had a mistress". WHAT?!?!?! Who the fuck asked you to?? All I wanted was some sex. Yes, he was a nice guy and had he been single I might have thought about seeing him again, but he's not and I'm not even thinking about it....!!! He said that arranging to meet to have sex was like having a mistress and he got scared when he thought about getting my number to see me again later on.

So, you see, I HAD sussed him out, he had not done it THAT MANY TIMES. There IS an element of guilt involved.

He repeated several times that on a physical level he was more than ready to go, but emotionally, there would have been many complications.

You know something mate, if you don't get the complications this time, it will happen the next time, if there is one. I hope that he may come to realise that it isn't worth fucking around if you have someone at home who loves you and waits for you, and fulfills you sexually, right? For sure he's going to remember me and our encounter, and so will I because I got so bloody sexually frustrated!!!

So, to conclude, what is it that happens between me and men? What do I do to them to make them second guess themselves all the time? I suspect it's not just me, but that men are like this in general. It rankles me because I've just been through a similar thing with another guy (this was a relationship) and I will write about that as well in the next few days.

I am just interested if there is anyone out there reading this, what are you thoughts on this (men AND women)? I feel that women, we're a little slower on the uptake, but then once we've decided something we stick with it, we go ahead. Men on the other hand seem really fickle to me, they charge ahead at the beginning, for the chase, the conquest, then suddenly they brake sharply, so sharply at times that they do a U-turn.

If that is the case, how can we hope to relate to one another without hurting each other every single time?

I only wanted sex, but I managed to turn this into a mini-relationship. Maybe it's the way I am?

That's all for me tonight. I am back in the ancestral home for some TLC and sunshine, and hopefully some sex as some point... :)

Sassy