There I was, in the UK for one week only, working as a volunteer at a "media industry" do, still smarting from how my previous relationship had ended. I had gone with the full intention of having fun, meeting as many people as I possibly could, and having some good sex.
Now, the sex point is, for me, a bit of a change. Not that I HAVEN'T had sex (far from it), but setting out to have one-night stands is not something I've done before, at least not consciously. I've always found it quite difficult to have sex unless I REALLY like the person but I guess that growing up, going through the experiences I have, is changing me and now I find it easier, there is nothing inside my head telling me not to, nothing stopping me.
So here is what happened (apart from spending a fab week working as a volunteer, meeting lots of fun and wonderful people, which is not really the topic of this blog):
As it would happen throughout the week I was sitting in the pub with some people I had only just met, talking life, work etc, all in good fun. There was a guy sitting in front of me who I found quite attractive and interesting but, as we talked about how he is juggling his career with being married and having a young child, I stopped considering him under "possible shag material" light.
Later I went back to my (female) friend's hotel for some very late night drinks. We got them to reopen the bar and started drinking with some random Spanish people (really fun but a bit weird...). Right next to us was that guy who was previously sitting in front of me, we'll call him J, with another, older, woman, chatting. We all ended up talking together, me lamenting the fact that there was someone at the do I really fancied but I had been told he might be gay, and I was getting frustrated 'cause I couldn't work out what he wanted and whether I had a shot. J was being all complimentary about my looks etc (which I don't easily take well), again as I knew he was married I didn't think twice about him. We all ended up talking relationships, especially long term ones. To cut a long story short, J makes it very clear that he has an open relationship with his wife as he travels a lot for work and he's a very sexual man. My question, as always in these cases, was: "does she know that you have an open relationship?". Apparently it is a tacit agreement, and he believes she does the same too.
We talked some more. See, my problem with people who have open relationships (and mostly it's the man who wants this, but not always) is this: how do you know that one of these "one night stands" isn't going to turn into something more, that you might really like to spend more time with that person? Or even, how do you know that this isn't going to come back and bite you in the ass one day??? For myself, I don't have a concrete answer and that is why I've never done this.
J insisted he'd done it loads of times and it didn't affect his relationship. He know his wife is the one and wants to be with her and their young child, but he doesn't think sleeping around with other women when he's travelling is bad.
It was then about 3am, and as I needed to get up early-ish the next morning I said I was going to bed (my hotel was about 5 mins walk). J offered to walk me. I knew EXACTLY what that meant (I'm not that blind or stupid, at least not yet!) so I gave him the option of pulling out a couple of times, then I thought I'd have fun with the situation. He walked me to my hotel, we were going quite slowly, both knowing what was coming.
At the gate, he said something to the effect that "he could have tried it on with me" or something, anyway with the effect of ending up in bed. In a split second I decided that I would see this through, go where it would take me (I have started making experiments recently....) and play with him a little longer before "giving in". I said "Well, you didn't even ask me!". At that he was stopped in his tracks, came back... we talked for a bit about the possibility of this one night stand. We kissed, to see whether there was a spark (I still wasn't sure at that point).
Reader, I ended up going back with him.
It was all on the basis that it could stop anytime, that I had control of everything, which is how I like it even though I also like the man to take charge, to follow his lead.
The problems was, we didn't have a condom, and we couldn't find one.
I don't know about other women, but it has happened to me several times, that I was in the situation of being with someone, wanting to have sex and not having a condom. When they say: "we can just cuddle naked all night", they don't really mean it. At some point during the night, after the cuddling, sometimes after you've fallen asleep, they will start caressing you insistently, whispering sweet nothings in your ear, and trying to convince you to have sex without a rubber 'cause "they're good guys, they don't have sex with strangers, they can come outside, etc etc..." which is never relevant and, frankly, doesn't help.
In this case I must say he was a gentleman, there was no way that either one of us would have sex without the condom, so we did "cuddle" all night, which was quite nice although very frustrating. I had wanted this to "wash the memory of someone right out of me"...
I did tell J that I thought most of what he had said re:open relationships was bullshit and lies, and he wasn't that straight with me about it, but I sussed him out.
So we agreed that we'd meet up the next night, armed with condoms, to do the deed. We saw each other a few times in the day, pretending nothing had happened. I love this silly secret stuff!!!
Finally, and I will try to cut this short, it's a bit long!, we ended up by a lake with other people (it was the last night), all drinking, chatting in the darkness, which was very nice. At that point he seemed a little strange then he said: "when are you in the UK? We can exchange numbers and I could see you when I'm in London." I was a bit taken aback by this so didn't give him a straight answer. Anyway, we still hadn't found a condom, then I found one, I turn around and he was GONE!!! I was quite speechless. But, as we had agreed to meet back at his room, I though I'd go there. So I did.
And this is where EVERYTHING WENT WRONG. I will just sum it up:
The thing was on all day until we got to the lake where he talked with another guy (quite handsome, a little older) about fatherhood and resisting temptation. So he realised that having sex with me would not be a great idea (and here we could launch into a discussion as to why masturbation and oral sex does not equal sex for some men..., but we won't, not this time), as he's not sure of what he wants (the previous night it was all rock-solid convictions). He's confused. And here's the thing that sort of shocked me: he said "I've never had a mistress". WHAT?!?!?! Who the fuck asked you to?? All I wanted was some sex. Yes, he was a nice guy and had he been single I might have thought about seeing him again, but he's not and I'm not even thinking about it....!!! He said that arranging to meet to have sex was like having a mistress and he got scared when he thought about getting my number to see me again later on.
So, you see, I HAD sussed him out, he had not done it THAT MANY TIMES. There IS an element of guilt involved.
He repeated several times that on a physical level he was more than ready to go, but emotionally, there would have been many complications.
You know something mate, if you don't get the complications this time, it will happen the next time, if there is one. I hope that he may come to realise that it isn't worth fucking around if you have someone at home who loves you and waits for you, and fulfills you sexually, right? For sure he's going to remember me and our encounter, and so will I because I got so bloody sexually frustrated!!!
So, to conclude, what is it that happens between me and men? What do I do to them to make them second guess themselves all the time? I suspect it's not just me, but that men are like this in general. It rankles me because I've just been through a similar thing with another guy (this was a relationship) and I will write about that as well in the next few days.
I am just interested if there is anyone out there reading this, what are you thoughts on this (men AND women)? I feel that women, we're a little slower on the uptake, but then once we've decided something we stick with it, we go ahead. Men on the other hand seem really fickle to me, they charge ahead at the beginning, for the chase, the conquest, then suddenly they brake sharply, so sharply at times that they do a U-turn.
If that is the case, how can we hope to relate to one another without hurting each other every single time?
I only wanted sex, but I managed to turn this into a mini-relationship. Maybe it's the way I am?
That's all for me tonight. I am back in the ancestral home for some TLC and sunshine, and hopefully some sex as some point... :)
Sassy
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