There are some simple, if cliched, truths that one is repeated throughout one's life. We all think: nah, that doesn't apply to me, or that can't possibly be true! But the reality is that if they just seem to be stereotypes or platitudes, there must be some truth to them. I've personally tried to see the truth behind the cliche' in many cases, but very often, I get back right to where I started from.
A case in point is this: no matter how much men may say that they like women to be proactive, to make the first move, to chase after them, to court them, it is simply not true! They still live in the time of the caves when they had to hit a woman over the head and drag her by the hair. Yes, they still like doing the chasing, they like being in control of the courtship because, let's face it, they are no longer in control of anything else (nearly)! So, when I am told by a guy who clearly fancies me and who's taken me out a couple of times that he'll call me, when he doesn't I ask myself why, and as a result would also like to resolve the situation and move on. I decided to just leave the guy in question, S., be. I have lost patience with men who don't know what they want. So imagine my surprise when, nearly two months on, he contacted me again as if nothing's happened! And it's actually the second man in a matter of days to "come back" from the recycle bin of relationships. Go figure!
So, I've learned that waiting and not making a move often pays, at least for us women. I don't think it works the other way round. So now, I'm going to use it fully to my advantage, and play hard to get. It's just that we have to stoop to their level, you know? ;)
Love to all,
S
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
Friday, 8 February 2008
Virus
No, this is not a post about STI's or safe sex.
The virus I wish to write about is one that is sweeping through my friends, my acquaintances, my entire generation. It's a virus whose main symptom is the break up of long standing relationships, and the subsequent "shit in your pants" fear gripping all survivors at the prospect of another relationship.
I started noticing this at around the same time that my 8-year relationship was spectacularly imploding (there were fireworks). One after the other, years-long relationships were crumbling down.
I don't know if it's because of the timing that I have been noticing this, or if there IS an actual increase in these break-ups, but I suspect the latter. And I believe that it's because of the dreaded T H R E E - O. It's a big milestone and, especially for women, it's a time when you question yourself about where you are going, what you are doing, and whether you should be going and doing with the person that is next to you. Sadly, most of the time the answer is: no, you shouldn't. When the idea, the concept, of starting a family, of getting married, is suddenly upon us, so close we can actually smell it, the chips are down and there's no more time for fucking around. Hard decisions are needed, and decisive action.
That is how I, and many others, have found ourselves single again at 30. Thank god we haven't had kids or things would just be harder. Some of us have since found love again, some have gone from one relationship to another, restless, unable to grasp what it is we want or simply in the market for the right thing (as we have become much more conscious buyers). Others still have retreated into militant singledom, shunning any idea of a relationship, of sharing, still getting cold sweats when people talk about toothbrushes, loo seats left up, meeting the in-laws or simply about cohabiting in the same space. I am probably one of the latter people, with a sprinkling of relationship thrown in. That is why I have now sought the help of a professional therapist, to get to the bottom of some issues and get past the disastrous break-up.
Now that I think about it, not a single one of these "early life crisis" break-ups has been amicable or on the easy end of the scale. We all know that break-ups are difficult no matter what, but there is a huge range of "difficult" to get through. And most, if not all, of these, have been really harsh break-ups, and I think this is partly what is scaring so many of us off.
I am envious of people who have remained frineds with their exes. I haven't been able to do that with even one of my exes, although the latest "victim" might turn out to be a friend yet, we'll see. But having said this, it's not that I've particularly ever wanted to remain friends; it still could be an interesting experiment.
The upside is that we are all getting used again to being alone, and that's no bad thing. As they say in my country "It's better to be alone than with bad company".
I can't tell you how much I am enjoying the fact that everything in my flat is always in exactly the same spot where I left it, and that I can plan every minute of every single day exactly as I see fit :)
Onwards and upwards....
S
The virus I wish to write about is one that is sweeping through my friends, my acquaintances, my entire generation. It's a virus whose main symptom is the break up of long standing relationships, and the subsequent "shit in your pants" fear gripping all survivors at the prospect of another relationship.
I started noticing this at around the same time that my 8-year relationship was spectacularly imploding (there were fireworks). One after the other, years-long relationships were crumbling down.
I don't know if it's because of the timing that I have been noticing this, or if there IS an actual increase in these break-ups, but I suspect the latter. And I believe that it's because of the dreaded T H R E E - O. It's a big milestone and, especially for women, it's a time when you question yourself about where you are going, what you are doing, and whether you should be going and doing with the person that is next to you. Sadly, most of the time the answer is: no, you shouldn't. When the idea, the concept, of starting a family, of getting married, is suddenly upon us, so close we can actually smell it, the chips are down and there's no more time for fucking around. Hard decisions are needed, and decisive action.
That is how I, and many others, have found ourselves single again at 30. Thank god we haven't had kids or things would just be harder. Some of us have since found love again, some have gone from one relationship to another, restless, unable to grasp what it is we want or simply in the market for the right thing (as we have become much more conscious buyers). Others still have retreated into militant singledom, shunning any idea of a relationship, of sharing, still getting cold sweats when people talk about toothbrushes, loo seats left up, meeting the in-laws or simply about cohabiting in the same space. I am probably one of the latter people, with a sprinkling of relationship thrown in. That is why I have now sought the help of a professional therapist, to get to the bottom of some issues and get past the disastrous break-up.
Now that I think about it, not a single one of these "early life crisis" break-ups has been amicable or on the easy end of the scale. We all know that break-ups are difficult no matter what, but there is a huge range of "difficult" to get through. And most, if not all, of these, have been really harsh break-ups, and I think this is partly what is scaring so many of us off.
I am envious of people who have remained frineds with their exes. I haven't been able to do that with even one of my exes, although the latest "victim" might turn out to be a friend yet, we'll see. But having said this, it's not that I've particularly ever wanted to remain friends; it still could be an interesting experiment.
The upside is that we are all getting used again to being alone, and that's no bad thing. As they say in my country "It's better to be alone than with bad company".
I can't tell you how much I am enjoying the fact that everything in my flat is always in exactly the same spot where I left it, and that I can plan every minute of every single day exactly as I see fit :)
Onwards and upwards....
S
Monday, 31 December 2007
Futureproof?
I had my hand read the other night. I said "be brutal". And boy, was she ruthless.
Apparently, I'm going to have some sort of major accident or health issue around my 50's which won't kill me (not quite) but will require lots of rehabilitation. You can bet I'm looking forward to that!
The other major thing to come through was that in my life I have 4 major loves. Now, doing some maths, I would probably say that I've had only one of those (it might be argued that I've already filled the 4 quota but I don't think so, although it is hard to decide who is a major love and who isn't), so, hurrah for me: 3 more to go!!!! :D
But that scares me slightly. 3 more big loves means at least 2 more big break-ups, suffering, tears, heartache, fuck-ups. But it also means 3 times the love, the fun and the joy. Or at least, I hope.
See, even in the worst times I still have that damned hope floating inside of me. Why can't I just be pessimistic for once, for my own good?
Yours in mystical puzzled-ness,
S
Apparently, I'm going to have some sort of major accident or health issue around my 50's which won't kill me (not quite) but will require lots of rehabilitation. You can bet I'm looking forward to that!
The other major thing to come through was that in my life I have 4 major loves. Now, doing some maths, I would probably say that I've had only one of those (it might be argued that I've already filled the 4 quota but I don't think so, although it is hard to decide who is a major love and who isn't), so, hurrah for me: 3 more to go!!!! :D
But that scares me slightly. 3 more big loves means at least 2 more big break-ups, suffering, tears, heartache, fuck-ups. But it also means 3 times the love, the fun and the joy. Or at least, I hope.
See, even in the worst times I still have that damned hope floating inside of me. Why can't I just be pessimistic for once, for my own good?
Yours in mystical puzzled-ness,
S
The gap (not the clothing store!)
There is this gap, unbridgeable, un-fillable, unreachable, uncrossable. It's between men and women. It's between what women desire and what exists. It's between nature and evolution.
I've challenged the gap plenty, fought it, skirmished with it, taunted it, ignored it, even pretended it really wasn't there. But no matter what I do it's still there, I can't kill it. So I've decide to parlay. Please give me a truce. Please teach me how to live with it, how to deal with it, how to be satisfied with what I get. Cause right now I really can't do that, and I feel maimed, disabled, incapacitated. I'm jus tired of swimming against the tide.
You might ask what's prompted all this. Well, I don't want to go into too much detail. But the reason is that I'm tired of meeting men, of them drawing me in, enticing me, tantalising me with views of what life could be like with them, of telling me they miss me and that they want to see me, only for them to do a Jekyll & Hyde on me and disappear, or evade, when I'm back in town. L. has vanished from my spectrum. He's texting me, as if I'm some random friend out and about that he may run into at some point. But he's being evasive, slithery, like an eel caught in a pond. I'm not out to "catch" anyone. All I wanted was some time with someone I found to be funny, nice, engaging. I wasn't asking for any promises, or commitments, nothing. Just his time , on occasion. And after two months of long distance crap fuelled mostly by him, I return and whoosh, he's gone. Now you see him, now you don't.
I've struggled, I've called him to just try and see him and have some closure. I can't even do that. And for now I've decided not to contact him. I might relent. I'm a Virgo, I need closure, I need to say things face to face.
Men of the world: please have the balls to tell us stuff, anything, whatever it is. But more importantly, have the fucking balls to tell yourselves stuff, acknowledge whatever it is that you do or feel, so that communication with others of the species might go a little easier.
That is all.
Always Sassy.
I've challenged the gap plenty, fought it, skirmished with it, taunted it, ignored it, even pretended it really wasn't there. But no matter what I do it's still there, I can't kill it. So I've decide to parlay. Please give me a truce. Please teach me how to live with it, how to deal with it, how to be satisfied with what I get. Cause right now I really can't do that, and I feel maimed, disabled, incapacitated. I'm jus tired of swimming against the tide.
You might ask what's prompted all this. Well, I don't want to go into too much detail. But the reason is that I'm tired of meeting men, of them drawing me in, enticing me, tantalising me with views of what life could be like with them, of telling me they miss me and that they want to see me, only for them to do a Jekyll & Hyde on me and disappear, or evade, when I'm back in town. L. has vanished from my spectrum. He's texting me, as if I'm some random friend out and about that he may run into at some point. But he's being evasive, slithery, like an eel caught in a pond. I'm not out to "catch" anyone. All I wanted was some time with someone I found to be funny, nice, engaging. I wasn't asking for any promises, or commitments, nothing. Just his time , on occasion. And after two months of long distance crap fuelled mostly by him, I return and whoosh, he's gone. Now you see him, now you don't.
I've struggled, I've called him to just try and see him and have some closure. I can't even do that. And for now I've decided not to contact him. I might relent. I'm a Virgo, I need closure, I need to say things face to face.
Men of the world: please have the balls to tell us stuff, anything, whatever it is. But more importantly, have the fucking balls to tell yourselves stuff, acknowledge whatever it is that you do or feel, so that communication with others of the species might go a little easier.
That is all.
Always Sassy.
Sunday, 11 November 2007
Distance
All my life, I never wanted long-distance relationships. I ran, and ran, and ran away from them. I was, and am, terrified of them.
But now in the last year I've had two of them (actually one is ongoing).
In the first one we had less than a couple of months together before we had to part - and it wasn't just him moving a few hours' drive away... he was going very nearly to the other side of the world. Only for a few months mind, but still... Anyway, the distance killed me. I can't function, I can't deal with it. It might have something to do with me being impatient, always wanting what I can't physically have. Or not. I'm not sure yet.
Anyway the biggest reason for not wanting a long-distance relationship is that I know for a fact that they don't work, definitely not in the long term. And just to prove my point, as soon as that first guy, P., returned, things were over between us. His volition, and painful. Especially thinking about all the other things I could have been doing in those months, instead of waiting to see if he came online, or waiting for his text messages, or calling him via Skype only to hear him recounting wonderful tales about his experience and never being asked how I was etc etc.
You see, I've always been the one to go away, never to stay. I have a bit of the wanderlust in me and I've never figured myself the stay-at-home type. I'm more the I'll go along with you type. But he didn't agree with me on that one.
So now, with L., yes, L. I've mentioned him before. He's back in my country, I'm back in London. And we've had barely a few days to get to know each other.
I think this is particularly harsh because in the earliest stages of a relationship that's when you can't spend enough time together, when you really want to get to know each other, spending sleepless nights having great "get-to-know-you" sex and talking until you fall asleep at dawn. But then again this deep, sustained interest only serves in consuming the initial infatuation, so maybe it's a good thing that we can't see each other?
We've been online quite a lot. Finally, hopefully, tomorrow we're going to get to talk over the phone. There are news to share, plans to make, things to not talk about......
And I'm going slowly out of my mind. Again I find it hard to concentrate, and everything makes me think of him. Not to mention the rampant sexual desire, the frustration at not having him share my bed night after night. I could scream.
I've made a promise to myself this time, that I'm not going to let my mind-fucks (or maybe that should read "my fucking mind"??) affect me and make me buzz like a caged fly. I've given in a little but I'm reining myself in hard, harshly. Yes, I want to see him. Yes, I want to talk to him. Yes, I want to be with him. But I can't read the rest of our relationship into this gap, this unabridgeable distance stretching between us now. I just can't.
I think I'm afraid to let myself go, like everyone else. But then I think if I don't, I might never know what it is to really love someone. And I can't live without having felt that at least once. The question is: is he the right person to let myself go with? Answers on a postcard please.
Anyway, distance. It sucks.
Some people love it, say it keeps their relationship alive.
Me, I hate the fucker, but that's been a problem in other areas of my life and it will never be solved, unless we invent a time machine or a plane that travels at the speed of light.
S
PS: Underneath it all is the constant mantra: I have to let people like me and love me for who I am and not anticipate the ways they'd want me to change. I cannot constantly compare myself to others, other friends, previous lovers. I know I will keep doing it, I just need to do a lot less of it.
But now in the last year I've had two of them (actually one is ongoing).
In the first one we had less than a couple of months together before we had to part - and it wasn't just him moving a few hours' drive away... he was going very nearly to the other side of the world. Only for a few months mind, but still... Anyway, the distance killed me. I can't function, I can't deal with it. It might have something to do with me being impatient, always wanting what I can't physically have. Or not. I'm not sure yet.
Anyway the biggest reason for not wanting a long-distance relationship is that I know for a fact that they don't work, definitely not in the long term. And just to prove my point, as soon as that first guy, P., returned, things were over between us. His volition, and painful. Especially thinking about all the other things I could have been doing in those months, instead of waiting to see if he came online, or waiting for his text messages, or calling him via Skype only to hear him recounting wonderful tales about his experience and never being asked how I was etc etc.
You see, I've always been the one to go away, never to stay. I have a bit of the wanderlust in me and I've never figured myself the stay-at-home type. I'm more the I'll go along with you type. But he didn't agree with me on that one.
So now, with L., yes, L. I've mentioned him before. He's back in my country, I'm back in London. And we've had barely a few days to get to know each other.
I think this is particularly harsh because in the earliest stages of a relationship that's when you can't spend enough time together, when you really want to get to know each other, spending sleepless nights having great "get-to-know-you" sex and talking until you fall asleep at dawn. But then again this deep, sustained interest only serves in consuming the initial infatuation, so maybe it's a good thing that we can't see each other?
We've been online quite a lot. Finally, hopefully, tomorrow we're going to get to talk over the phone. There are news to share, plans to make, things to not talk about......
And I'm going slowly out of my mind. Again I find it hard to concentrate, and everything makes me think of him. Not to mention the rampant sexual desire, the frustration at not having him share my bed night after night. I could scream.
I've made a promise to myself this time, that I'm not going to let my mind-fucks (or maybe that should read "my fucking mind"??) affect me and make me buzz like a caged fly. I've given in a little but I'm reining myself in hard, harshly. Yes, I want to see him. Yes, I want to talk to him. Yes, I want to be with him. But I can't read the rest of our relationship into this gap, this unabridgeable distance stretching between us now. I just can't.
I think I'm afraid to let myself go, like everyone else. But then I think if I don't, I might never know what it is to really love someone. And I can't live without having felt that at least once. The question is: is he the right person to let myself go with? Answers on a postcard please.
Anyway, distance. It sucks.
Some people love it, say it keeps their relationship alive.
Me, I hate the fucker, but that's been a problem in other areas of my life and it will never be solved, unless we invent a time machine or a plane that travels at the speed of light.
S
PS: Underneath it all is the constant mantra: I have to let people like me and love me for who I am and not anticipate the ways they'd want me to change. I cannot constantly compare myself to others, other friends, previous lovers. I know I will keep doing it, I just need to do a lot less of it.
Who was I kidding? Why did I think I was ready and fit to relate to another human being on a deep level? I'm ready for shit. Really. Maybe I'm just meant to live the rest of my life out as a hermit, living in isolation in Iceland or something. Away from people, from emotions, from drama, from feelings, from ups but also from downs. Who was I kidding.....?
There I was, sitting on my sofa, crying. And at my computer, on the Internet, crying. Why the fuck?
Is this all a giant, massive mistake? Is my life slowly circling the drain of depression, despair and meaninglessness?
I can't be alone. But I can't not be alone. Fuck. How am I going to get through this one?
Anyway, yes, crying, thinking, despairing even. Then I realised: I'm just about to get my period. Ah. Mystery solved. :)
PS: Sorry if anyone is offended by this but I have learned to listen to my body and its changes...
There I was, sitting on my sofa, crying. And at my computer, on the Internet, crying. Why the fuck?
Is this all a giant, massive mistake? Is my life slowly circling the drain of depression, despair and meaninglessness?
I can't be alone. But I can't not be alone. Fuck. How am I going to get through this one?
Anyway, yes, crying, thinking, despairing even. Then I realised: I'm just about to get my period. Ah. Mystery solved. :)
PS: Sorry if anyone is offended by this but I have learned to listen to my body and its changes...
Saturday, 13 October 2007
Post-orgasmic etiquette
Sorry, something that just occurred to me, a message to all heterosexual men:
Never, ever under any circumstances, right after a sex session (and I mean RIGHT after, all sweaty and catching your breath...), mock your partner's moans and sounds during orgasm; that is, if you EVER plan on sleeping with her again. If you fancy a kick in the gonads, then go right ahead. You know who you are, you impotent wanker!!
And while we're at it, I hope I NEVER meet another man who "doesn't like" going down on a woman. You are unnatural and selfish. I hope you never have sex again!
Yours as always,
Sassy
Never, ever under any circumstances, right after a sex session (and I mean RIGHT after, all sweaty and catching your breath...), mock your partner's moans and sounds during orgasm; that is, if you EVER plan on sleeping with her again. If you fancy a kick in the gonads, then go right ahead. You know who you are, you impotent wanker!!
And while we're at it, I hope I NEVER meet another man who "doesn't like" going down on a woman. You are unnatural and selfish. I hope you never have sex again!
Yours as always,
Sassy
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