Distance

All my life, I never wanted long-distance relationships. I ran, and ran, and ran away from them. I was, and am, terrified of them.

But now in the last year I've had two of them (actually one is ongoing).

In the first one we had less than a couple of months together before we had to part - and it wasn't just him moving a few hours' drive away... he was going very nearly to the other side of the world. Only for a few months mind, but still... Anyway, the distance killed me. I can't function, I can't deal with it. It might have something to do with me being impatient, always wanting what I can't physically have. Or not. I'm not sure yet.

Anyway the biggest reason for not wanting a long-distance relationship is that I know for a fact that they don't work, definitely not in the long term. And just to prove my point, as soon as that first guy, P., returned, things were over between us. His volition, and painful. Especially thinking about all the other things I could have been doing in those months, instead of waiting to see if he came online, or waiting for his text messages, or calling him via Skype only to hear him recounting wonderful tales about his experience and never being asked how I was etc etc.

You see, I've always been the one to go away, never to stay. I have a bit of the wanderlust in me and I've never figured myself the stay-at-home type. I'm more the I'll go along with you type. But he didn't agree with me on that one.

So now, with L., yes, L. I've mentioned him before. He's back in my country, I'm back in London. And we've had barely a few days to get to know each other.
I think this is particularly harsh because in the earliest stages of a relationship that's when you can't spend enough time together, when you really want to get to know each other, spending sleepless nights having great "get-to-know-you" sex and talking until you fall asleep at dawn. But then again this deep, sustained interest only serves in consuming the initial infatuation, so maybe it's a good thing that we can't see each other?
We've been online quite a lot. Finally, hopefully, tomorrow we're going to get to talk over the phone. There are news to share, plans to make, things to not talk about......
And I'm going slowly out of my mind. Again I find it hard to concentrate, and everything makes me think of him. Not to mention the rampant sexual desire, the frustration at not having him share my bed night after night. I could scream.

I've made a promise to myself this time, that I'm not going to let my mind-fucks (or maybe that should read "my fucking mind"??) affect me and make me buzz like a caged fly. I've given in a little but I'm reining myself in hard, harshly. Yes, I want to see him. Yes, I want to talk to him. Yes, I want to be with him. But I can't read the rest of our relationship into this gap, this unabridgeable distance stretching between us now. I just can't.

I think I'm afraid to let myself go, like everyone else. But then I think if I don't, I might never know what it is to really love someone. And I can't live without having felt that at least once. The question is: is he the right person to let myself go with? Answers on a postcard please.

Anyway, distance. It sucks.
Some people love it, say it keeps their relationship alive.
Me, I hate the fucker, but that's been a problem in other areas of my life and it will never be solved, unless we invent a time machine or a plane that travels at the speed of light.

S

PS: Underneath it all is the constant mantra: I have to let people like me and love me for who I am and not anticipate the ways they'd want me to change. I cannot constantly compare myself to others, other friends, previous lovers. I know I will keep doing it, I just need to do a lot less of it.

Who was I kidding? Why did I think I was ready and fit to relate to another human being on a deep level? I'm ready for shit. Really. Maybe I'm just meant to live the rest of my life out as a hermit, living in isolation in Iceland or something. Away from people, from emotions, from drama, from feelings, from ups but also from downs. Who was I kidding.....?

There I was, sitting on my sofa, crying. And at my computer, on the Internet, crying. Why the fuck?

Is this all a giant, massive mistake? Is my life slowly circling the drain of depression, despair and meaninglessness?

I can't be alone. But I can't not be alone. Fuck. How am I going to get through this one?



Anyway, yes, crying, thinking, despairing even. Then I realised: I'm just about to get my period. Ah. Mystery solved. :)

PS: Sorry if anyone is offended by this but I have learned to listen to my body and its changes...